


hoarded love

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Break Up Talk, Drabble, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 10:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21444994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: "Don't let her get to you, V," Tracy says, patting her knee. "You know you made the right choice.""Did I?"Missing scene(s) from Wednesday 13th November's episode.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 10
Kudos: 154





	hoarded love

Swollen with words you never said,  
swollen with hoarded love.

I exist in two places,  
here and where you are.

**Corpse Song, Margaret Atwood**

* * *

When Charity leaves, Vanessa indulges herself a few guilty tears. _I can't live without you, _Charity had said, but Vanessa had turned her away.

She knows she's right to. She knows that Charity's just saying these things because of what happened to Moses. Charity doesn't need her - if she had, she wouldn't have risked losing her; she wouldn't have lied to her for months as though Vanessa meant nothing to her.

She still hates the way it sounds as though Charity's crying when the closes the door behind her.

Vanessa thumbs her tears away when Tracy makes her way down the stairs. She sits where Charity had and Vanessa's hands feel achingly empty with no-one to hold them now. 

"How much of that did you hear?" Vanessa asks.

"Most of it," Tracy replies unapologetically.

Vanessa nods, looking down at the duvet covering her. She had wanted to thrown the duvet away and curl her arms around Charity when she had first started crying. She had wanted to hold her until she was empty of tears. The only thing that had stopped her is that she's not so sure whether _she'd _be able to stop crying. 

She's so full of anger at Charity. God, she loves her still, of course she does, but she's so tired of being less than. Of being lied to time after time but sought after for comfort. What kind of life is that? That's not a healthy relationship. It certainly isn't the one she wants. 

"Don't let her get to you, V," Tracy says, patting her knee. "You know you made the right choice."

"Did I?"

"See? She's already worming her way into your head. How many times has she lied to you but you still take her back? No. No-one takes my sister for an idiot. Certainly not Charity bloody Dingle," Tracy says with a nod, reaching over for the bowl full of gummy worms and offering it to Vanessa.

She pushes the bowl away. "I'm tired. Think I'm gonna go to bed."

Tracy sighs. 

"I told you I was up early," Vanessa rambles, gathering the duvet as she stands.

"It's like you said, V, it's just new. That doesn't mean it's bad. Maybe it wasn't meant to be."

Vanessa leans against the arm of the sofa to stay standing. The idea that this is forever - like Charity had said before - makes her want to unspool all her insides to stop feeling the pain so tightly. She knows she was the one to call it off, but that doesn't mean her heart isn't breaking.

"I thought you liked Charity. She's been brilliant recently, you know, considering everything that happened to dad." 

"You and Johnny are the only family I've really got left. I don't like anyone who hurts you," Tracy explains.

Vanessa reaches out and squeezes her hand. "Thanks, Trace." 

* * *

Sleep evades her entirely. 

Vanessa stares at the ceiling. She tries not to think about the times she would lie awake in the beginning of her relationship with Charity, looking up at this very same ceiling, waiting for her to finish her shift and make her way over. Vanessa would pretend to be asleep sometimes, not wanting to appear too needy, but she could never stop herself from squirming away from Charity's cold hands and leaning towards her warm mouth.

She slams her eyes closed at the memory, but the images come flooding forth anyway. She can hear the sound of Charity's laughter, as if she's still with her in this bed, telling her to be quiet so that they don't wake Tracy. The cut of her smile when she'd find Vanessa waiting for her. The way she'd whisper _five more minutes _when they were supposed to be getting the boys ready for nursery.

At the thought of her kids, Vanessa finds herself restless again. Charity had said Moses was fine, physically at least, but she feels itchy all over with worry for the little boy. 

She finds herself thumbing through her text thread with Charity. There's twelve unread messages from Charity all about Moses. Vanessa groans, pressing her face into her pillow. She should've read these and been there for Charity. For _Moses._

Before she can think too much of it, she pulls a coat on over her pyjamas, and shoves her feet into her boots.

* * *

Jacob's Fold is silent at this time of night. Vanessa takes the stairs slowly, wary of the one that always squeaks at the top, and holds her breath as she passes Noah and Sarah's rooms. She makes it to Moses's room without hearing a peep out of either of them.

Vanessa's heart pinches when she pushes the door open, spotting Johnny's empty bed. It's been hard knowing that this break up doesn't only affect her. She's uprooting Johnny from the only family he's ever really known. She hadn't been lying earlier - he really _has _been missing Moses, he's been teary-eyed with it, asking why he has to sleep in his old bedroom now.

Vanessa takes a deep breath and ignores the feeling. She just needs to see Moses, make sure he's really okay, and then she'll be able to sleep. That's all - 

Moses isn't in his bed. Her heart makes its way into her throat. What if he'd been taken? What if that man had come back for him? 

She spins, panicked, pushing into the room that used to be hers and Charity's. 

She stops herself in the doorway, her hand over her heart, when she sees the little lump of Moses under the duvet with Charity. He squirms and she steps into the room, pushing the door shut so that the light doesn't shine in his eyes anymore.

Vanessa makes sure to keep her footsteps silent when she approaches Moses's side. She crouches down, her fingers carding through his soft hair, watching him sleep, the steady rise and fall of his breath. He really is okay. 

But she's not as quiet as she thought she'd been. She sees Charity tense and she reaches out and grabs her shoulder before Charity does anything that'll wake Moses.

"Shh. It's just me."

"Ness?" Charity asks, voice thick with sleep. She blinks up at her bleary-eyed and then her hand reaches out, tugging the scruff of Vanessa's jacket. "C'mere." 

Vanessa resists, slowly prying Charity's hand from her coat. 

"I just came to make sure he's okay," she whispers, watching Charity slowly blink away the sleep in eyes.

Charity pushes up on elbow. "Hardly. Stuck with me as a mother, int he?" 

Vanessa shakes her head. "Then that means he's just fine."

"Not according to Chas, he's not." 

"Well, she's hardly one to talk, is she?" Vanessa replies, automatically defending Charity. She winces and slowly eases to a stand. "Sorry. I'm gonna go." 

"No, wait - "

Vanessa begins to cross the room but Charity jumps out of bed and slides between her and the door, rattling the doorframe with the movement. They both go still, turning to stare at Moses, but the little boy doesn't stir.

"Let me out, Charity," she sighs.

"Just - just listen for a minute, yeah?" 

"There's nothing to listen to. I told you I can't keep doing this. I'm tired and I'm running out of forgiveness," she murmurs, scrubbing at her eyes, "and I don't want to run out of love, too."

"You don't mean that." 

Vanessa drops her hand. Charity's lower lip tremors. 

"We're over. Let me go, okay?" 

Charity reaches out for her, eyebrows creasing. "I _can't._"

"Yes, you can. You don't need me," Vanessa says, side-stepping her grasp. 

"I always need you," Charity insists stubbornly. "I'm sorry. I'm _so _sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you and I - I shouldn't have even done the casino job in the first place. I'll do anything to make it right. Just come home, babe." 

This time, when Charity reaches out, Vanessa lets herself be drawn into her arms. Charity grips her tightly, like she's never going to let go, and Vanessa knows she's the one who's going to have to keep doing the leaving even as it breaks her heart.

"You know I can't, Charity," she says softly, running a hand through her hair. 

Honestly, Vanessa doesn't think she's strong enough to live like this. So many different scenarios have run through her mind since Charity had been forced to tell her the truth. The one that terrifies her the most is the possibility Charity could've been hurt or killed, given how dangerous they say this Vinny man is. She could've died and Vanessa might never have known. Or worse: she would've died a thief, just like she'd thought her father had.

She would've been left with grief and anger all over again. Vanessa sets her jaw to stop herself from crying. She refuses to be like her mum, bitter and angry at everything because of what her father had done; she's still not even completely happy even though she's remarried. Vanessa doesn't want to be scarred on the inside as well as the outside. 

"I meant it. Before. I really can't live without you." 

"That's what you say now. Bet in a month's time you won't even remember me." 

Charity shakes her head. "I could never forget you."

Vanessa slowly eases herself from Charity's arms. Charity's hands follow, catching with her own, her thumb rubbing over Vanessa's engagement ring. They both pause and stare at it for a beat before Vanessa steps aside, not wanting to give it any more meaning than there already is.

She reaches for the doorhandle and this time, Charity does move. The hallway light spills in and exposes just how many tears are streaming down her cheeks. 

"I really do love you, you know," Charity tells her quietly.

Vanessa sighs, reaching out to cup Charity's face between her palms. She brings her down so that she can press a gentle kiss to her forehead. 

"Goodnight, Charity," she whispers, "I'm glad Moses is okay." 

She's out the door before Charity can say anything else. She wills herself not to cry once she's out of the house, walking back through the cold night to her empty bed.

She fails.


End file.
